Welcome to the third post of The TikTok Series! Up to 2 times a month, we’ll be interviewing YOUR favorite brown TikTokers, and their perspectives on South Asian Issues. Today, learn more about Rakshan Sadasivuni and his opinions on Toxic Masculinity!
Tell us about yourself!
My name is Rakshan and I'm 20 yrs old. I was born and raised in New Jersey, and fun fact, I lived in Edison for about 12 years. I got to school out-of-state at a liberal arts college called Juniata College. And, I’m a junior. It’s a very tight-knit community, and unfortunately, there are not that many brown people at my school.
What inspired you to start your TikTok account?
Boredom. I refused to get the app. My friends would all send me stuff and they'd say, “just get the app so it'll be easier to watch the things we send you.”
I gave in 3 months after they kept nagging me. Then quarantine started, and I thought “hey, why don’t I learn dances to kill time.”
So I started on “straight” TikTok, then I made a video with XOBrooklynne (a 7 rings duet). That video pushed me to Brown TikTok. And after that, I realized that there were a lot of people like me, so I continued to post videos!
Where do you get your fashion inspiration from?
I go on Instagram and Pinterest and save what I like. I try to not dress exactly like the people in the photos, but I pull what I like. Also I really like music, so seeing the outfits of my favorite artists gives me inspiration. It’s really a mix of everything; honestly it started off with mixing and matching. There are some godforsaken outfits that I never want to put on again, but it’s all from taking inspiration from people I follow, and playing around to develop my own “vibe.”
An influencer I look up to for style tips is @ammachic_. She does more Women’s wear, but it's a lot of South Asian-Western fusion fashion. I take that inspiration and translate it to men’s wear. I also like @antorvingomes, and he plays around with saris with jeans and styles similar to that. It’s nice to take that “spice” and mix it into fashion.
Men wearing makeup in general is a taboo, but it’s even more of a taboo in South Asian culture. How do you think we can outgrow this stigma so future generations don’t have to experience it?
The first thing to do when breaking any barrier is to talk about it. Always stimulate conversation, and don’t shut down. Posting the stuff that I post, and seeing other people post similar content, I noticed that there's gonna be 10 people that support you, but 1 or 2 that are gonna say:
“This is gay”
“You’re a guy and you shouldn’t be doing this stuff”
They’re going to try to pin you down, but you have to brush it off. I know how easy it is to let the comments get to you, but you have to brush it off and remind yourself that for every one person that doesn’t like what you're doing, there's ten that do. Likewise, even though we are pushing the conversation, the industry as a whole needs to change. They need to stop enforcing gender binary. Now we see Harry Styles being comfortable with his style, and other men wearing makeup like eyeliner; I've noticed that a lot of brown boys have been experimenting with eyeliner and nail polish. We have to keep following this pattern; if we even take one step back, I feel like it could be detrimental. But, I feel that we’re on the right track currently. So to sum everything up: keep stimulating convo, don't hold back, be true to yourself and what you like.
What is your advice for other boys who want to wear eyeliner, jewelry, skirts etc., especially in the South Asian community where gender stereotypes are strictly followed?
My advice would be:
At the end of the day, the most important person in your life is yourself.
You should always value your happiness before you can go and provide for other people. Provide for yourself to the fullest, and then care about what people think. Adding onto that, don't care about what people think if you don't care about that person. If you genuinely care about them, like a parent, listen to them. Acknowledge what they’re saying, but you don’t have to follow it if it won’t make you happy. Let them be hurt, but don't let them change you. Stay true to yourself. You are the most important person, your happiness is the most important thing; it’s always yourself first. You are your own number 1. You don't need anyone else to take that place.
How has toxic masculinity affected you, and how have you overcome it?
I'm telling you right now, it comes within my own family as well. It’s always the idea of:
What will they think if they see what you're doing?
The South Asian Community always cares too much about public image. We need to stop caring about public image when it comes to toxic masculinity. People are going to be resistant to the brown community changing as a whole.
Let's talk about brown boys on TikTok. They know things are changing. But, all their lives, they've been taught that it's wrong, or that it's not supposed to be done that way. They haven't had the proper guidance to realize that they can do what they want. They know that the things that they say and do are wrong. But at the same time, they don't know what else to do. That's their go-to reaction. In terms of how it's affected me, I get so much hate for doing what I do. Again, you block them and move on.
I don’t care about them, I don't think, “how will this person feel if I post this?” I tell myself, “I put work into this, and I'm going to share it with the world. And whoever likes it is going to like it”
How do you feel about Brown Boys normalizing ignorant jokes on TikTok?
I hate the normalization of inappropriate behavior like the phrase “you’re so gay.” As much as I want to call them dumb or call them our for being rude, I have to tell myself that I can’t change everyone. You can only give someone so many resources and so many opportunities to learn and take accountability. But, you can't change them. This isn't an overnight change; this type of stuff works over phases.
Something that’s normalized within the brown boy community is the “trend” about fake coming out. They’re diminishing the significance of an event like coming out. People struggle to come out on a daily basis; it's something people fear.
If I say these 3 words to my family, will I even have a house to live in tomorrow, will I have a place to sleep?
The normalization of coming out jokes, and assault jokes, or any joke about trauma pushes the conversation back. Normalization of these topics needs to stop, but again, we can’t waste our time trying to convince people that they’re wrong. In their heads, they're not wrong. In their heads, they think they’re making a funny joke. It’s not going to register in their head that what they're saying is wrong, unless it affects them directly.
We can't waste our time educating people that aren’t willing to learn. Focus on those who are willing to learn.
In general in society, boys are told to hide their emotions; do you South Asian standards have amplified this ideology that men should be “strong” and emotionless?
Absolutely. It's always been from day one that the man of the household should be working and having a stable job. The girl needs to be cooking, cleaning, etc. When you separate these two roles from the start, it's the idea that the girl should be sensitive and attached to her emotions, while the man should be rugged and unaffected by anything. It's this tough image that guys can't be sensitive that ruins so many relationships. It ruins friendships and family relations. I know many people, including myself, that struggle with connecting with the men in the family because it’s this ordeal that emotions equals weakness.
We all have emotions.
The issue is that, when guys try to keep it in, it deteriorates their mental health.
Again, we have to break this taboo and have conversations. Conversation needs to be held. We need to let boys know that it’s okay to have a weak point. It gets passed on from generation to generation; dads teach their sons, sons teach their sons. Seeing the matriarch of the family act “weak” also feeds into this stereotype, and allows men to think it’s okay to stay quiet.
You need to tap into your emotions so you can be in check with yourself and your mental health. If you don't acknowledge how you feel, you cannot provide for other people. Provide for yourself. Do what you know is going to be best for you before you go and help others. Understanding how you feel will allow you to have much better relationships with your family and friends.
Do you feel that there is a double standard between boys & girls in South Asian families?
Let’s take a stereotypical brown family. Girls have a certain image and guys have a certain image and traditional South Asian families want to keep that image. They don’t care that much about what their son does as long as he gets good grades or has a job, but they only care if the girl gets married or not. That’s the biggest double standard. Their thought process is basically "my son is here to get a job and make money and my daughter is here to carry our bloodline."
How do you feel about the “war” between the North & the South on TikTok?
The “war” was unnecessary in the sense that a war started but it definitely sparked a needed conversation. Many people who identify as anything other than South Indian refused to admit that we don’t get proper representation. Someone tried to argue with me by saying, “Y’all have Never Have I Ever and you have Maitreyi.” Maitreyi is Sri Lankan, I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me. We have one show, but any depiction of Bollywood in western media is the Taj Mahal, butter chicken, naan, garba, and raas. When do you ever see Kuchipudi or Bharatanatyam? When do you see a white family go into an Indian restaurant and eat pongal or idli?
That just shows that we are stereotyped as North India.
All of South Asia -Pakistan, Sri Lanka, India, and Nepal to name a few- everybody just sees us as the Taj Mahal. While the war again was unnecessary it woke some people up. Some people were able to say:
“I realize my privilege as a North Indian. You aren’t fairly represented.”
Did [the “war”] get a message across? Mostly, but completely unnecessary. It just fueled drama and I don’t like drama. It was unneeded. People aren’t going to learn all the time. Not everyone is going to learn. But to the twenty people that walked away from this whole situation realizing the world isn’t a fair playing ground, that’s all we need. Even one person changing their mind is a win.
Could you describe your experiences with toxic aunties in the South Asian community and explain how that mindset is very harmful to our generation and future South Asian generations?
They feel so entitled to our lives. It’s really toxic. It’s one thing to come from a motherly perspective if they genuinely care about you. I don’t understand why it's part of the culture to talk about people and to gossip about people. When it comes to kids in the South Asian-American Community, it’s already really competitive with school. When parents get involved I feel like they’re more childish than their kids. It’s so manipulative that it affects their child. When you’re pushing that conniving mindset onto your child, that's how they're going to end up. They’re going to struggle to make genuine relationships because you were so blunt and invasive that they’re going to end up that way.
I don’t think many people take toxic aunties seriously, but anything can become a little too much. Everyone has their last straw. If you’re having a bad day and an aunty comes to you and says “oh you look like you’ve gained weight.” That’s going to push someone over the edge. It’s important to have a filter. Aunties need to stop, or at least think twice about what they say.
Do you think the Brown Community on Tiktok is toxic?
Yeah. I would pin myself on the liberal, forward side of Brown TikTok. A couple months back, paths crossed with people on the other side. I realized a lot of their content is extremely homophobic and inappropriate. I indirectly confronted them about it. They didn’t want to admit that they were wrong. They’ll do anything to clear their name or make themselves look like the good guys. It makes me mad that it’s so toxic that people are willing to backstab each other. Especially in the brown community it’s “girls support girls” until you want validation from the guy you like. Everyone’s a feminist until they want validation from the guy they like and then all of a sudden the body shaming and the slut shaming and all of that takes place. It’s so toxic. The community was so much nicer back in the summer. The lack of maturity has really come through. People just don’t know when to stop. They’ll do anything to feel relevant.
What is one issue that is really important to you right now that you would like to share with our followers?
Self love. It’s something I still struggle with. But something I do a lot is I tear myself down. I’ll take a picture of myself and think, “oh that’s a good picture” then after staring at it for five minutes, I’ll think, “nah I look gross here.” I was talking to one of my non Brown TikTok mutuals and he said, “you need to stop tearing yourself down because whatever you think you are, regardless if you meet them or not, someone out there thinks you’re the perfect person.” Just remember that. Always love yourself because out there someone thinks you're absolutely perfect. You are everything they imagined. You are what they picture in their head as they’re falling asleep at night. When it comes to self love in the South Asian community, there are going to be a lot of people that tear you down. There are going to be a lot of people that affect how you feel about yourself whether it be your family, friends, or people online. Even seeing celebrities you follow might lead to you questioning your beauty standards.
Everyone is their own beauty standard. There is no such thing as “the” beauty standard.
You make your own beauty standard. Love yourself. Have faith in yourself. Have confidence in yourself. Be true to who you are. Put yourself first and you will thrive. That’s the overall message I try to put forward. Do what makes you happy because self love, self happiness and self fulfillment: that’s all you have to live for.
What is your favorite part about being South Asian?
I don’t know how to describe it but going to India and experiencing, for a lack of a better word, the “rare aesthetic.” Being able to go to India and be yourself, you’re not an outcast. You have somewhere that’s home. As much hate as you get here, you always have another home that’s always going to be welcoming. Regardless of how toxic or not it is, there’s a place for you. That’s what I love about being South Asian. There’s a community already there for you. You were born into this community and they’re going to help you regardless. My favorite part about being South Asian is being able to imagine my happy place which is getting off a train at a railway station in India at 2:30 in the morning and drinking coffee. It’s comforting because I feel safe and at home.
The Pasupu loved interviewing Rakshan and we hope you learned more about his perspective on Toxic Masculinity! Attached below are his social medias! Pop in on Friday for our All Around Tamil Nadu Post!